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:iconnightshade-keyblade: More from nightshade-keyblade


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Literature by chromeantennae

ENGLISH LANGUAGE by lombregrise

Writing by ithaswhatitisnt


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Submitted on
March 10, 2012
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It starts with loss,
The family torn apart, the friends lost and the peace shattered
By the darkest hearts, the most powerful weapons and the harshest diseases

Then comes grief with its tear-stained face and its anguished cries,
Drowned out by the speed of life
It doesn't make sense.

What did we do wrong?
Why is Heaven against us?

Along came misery with its stone cold silence
Bereaved hearts long encased in an iron shell, if only to fend off
The cold gun in their hands and the ledge of the roof in front of them

If there is a Heaven waiting for us to see our loved ones,
Let our death be hastened.

But the body hesitates and the mind awakens from its slumber
Roused by a single word

No

Heaven is going nowhere, it can wait a while longer
Justice has waited too long.

First comes loss, then grief, and then despair…until all that's left is defiance.
A very quick poem that I thought of just now, composed very quickly.

I thought of a small sentence:

First comes loss...then grief...then despair...until all that's left is defiance.

From there, I started typing and couldn't stop until now. The poem is what you make of it, although I think anyone who has lost something and wants to hit back at injustice can appreciate this poem. Especially those who decide to take arms when war or armed violence has destroyed their families and lives (e.g. in Afghanistan, Libya and Syria).

I hope you enjoy it. Comments will be much appreciated!

Suggested feedback questions for :iconthewrittenrevolution:

1.) Are the lines in the stanzas well organised?

2.) Without reading the description, does the poem convey its message well?

3.) Do any of the metaphors/similes/literary techniques make sense or need improvement?

4.) Any issues with formatting or other errors?

For :iconthewrittenrevolution:

I have given feedback A Sunrise Scene by :iconpinballwitch: here: [link]

EDIT

I have added additional lines to make the poem more emotionally powerful. I'm not sure if it's helped at all. Please do let me know.

I've been told twice that my work reads like a cross between prose and poetry. How can I remedy that without compromising my style?
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:iconxx-angel-sherubii-xx:
Xx-Angel-Sherubii-xX Featured By Owner May 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
this is a wonderful poem :XD:

oooh questions :?

1. yes :)
2. Yes very well done :XD:
3. They are quite captivating
4. Not that I see. :clap:

good job :hug:
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Great! Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate it :hug:
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:iconxx-angel-sherubii-xx:
Xx-Angel-Sherubii-xX Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome :boing:
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:icongraphix-goddess:
Graphix-Goddess Featured By Owner May 18, 2013  Professional Writer
I think your style reads well as a type or poetry in general. There is such a thing as "Freeverse" poetry - and I think you are on your way to being quite a master of it. I used to write only in rhymes when doing poems, but I later learned that there is a great depth of emotion to be conveyed in writing freeverse. I applaude you on yours as well. :clap:.

I think this is a very powerful and moving piece - well written and flows well overall. I really like how you bolded "no" for emphasis, too. The only part I think feels less flowy than the rest is:

Heaven is going nowhere, it can wait a while longer
Not while there is desire for some sort of justice.


I got caught up a little there in the flow.... other than that, the rest is very nice and dramatic - moving. I really LOVE your style of writing. it feels much like my own even at times in a way and I appreciate someone with such powerful views and voice.
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, free verse really helps a lot with making things less restrictive. I used to be able to rhyme better when I was younger, but now I can only manage one or two rhyming lines. Free verse really is my favourite style of poetry.

Ah...I did quite a few edits before this one but I suppose that line could be improved a bit. Now that I read it, I feel like it could benefit from being shortened somewhat. I'll look into that.

:blushes:

Oh, wow. You really think that I'm that good?
:happycry:
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:icongraphix-goddess:
Graphix-Goddess Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Professional Writer
I once heard another author say that all art is incomplete and it will always be. We never finish it, we just have to let go of it...

So, sometimes we just have to let it go.

And yes, I think you are a wonderful writer with a promising future with the craft. I don't meet a lot of writers with artistic vision similar to mine so I do find a special interest in your works. :D
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I guess you and your author acquaintance are right.

"I think you are a wonderful writer with a promising future with the craft. I don't meet a lot of writers with artistic vision similar to mine so I do find a special interest in your works"

That means so much to me. Thank you :thanks:
Reply
:icongraphix-goddess:
Graphix-Goddess Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Professional Writer
You are very welcome! I appreciate your writing and insight very much as well and I know how daunting a writers own mind can sometimes be. :)
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:iconpascal-prevost:
pascal-prevost Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013
Très beau et très émouvant
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Merci, ça me fait plaisir, vraiment!
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