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It starts with loss,
The family torn apart, the friends lost and the peace shattered
By the darkest hearts, the most powerful weapons and the harshest diseases

Then comes grief with its tear-stained face and its anguished cries,
Drowned out by the speed of life
It doesn't make sense.

What did we do wrong?
Why is Heaven against us?

Along came misery with its stone cold silence
Bereaved hearts long encased in an iron shell, if only to fend off
The cold gun in their hands and the ledge of the roof in front of them

If there is a Heaven waiting for us to see our loved ones,
Let our death be hastened.

But the body hesitates and the mind awakens from its slumber
Roused by a single word

No

Heaven is going nowhere, it can wait a while longer
Justice has waited too long.

First comes loss, then grief, and then despair…until all that's left is defiance.
A very quick poem that I thought of just now, composed very quickly.

I thought of a small sentence:

First comes loss...then grief...then despair...until all that's left is defiance.

From there, I started typing and couldn't stop until now. The poem is what you make of it, although I think anyone who has lost something and wants to hit back at injustice can appreciate this poem. Especially those who decide to take arms when war or armed violence has destroyed their families and lives (e.g. in Afghanistan, Libya and Syria).

I hope you enjoy it. Comments will be much appreciated!

Suggested feedback questions for :iconthewrittenrevolution:

1.) Are the lines in the stanzas well organised?

2.) Without reading the description, does the poem convey its message well?

3.) Do any of the metaphors/similes/literary techniques make sense or need improvement?

4.) Any issues with formatting or other errors?

For :iconthewrittenrevolution:

I have given feedback A Sunrise Scene by :iconpinballwitch: here: [link]

EDIT

I have added additional lines to make the poem more emotionally powerful. I'm not sure if it's helped at all. Please do let me know.

I've been told twice that my work reads like a cross between prose and poetry. How can I remedy that without compromising my style?
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:iconxx-angel-sherubii-xx:
Xx-Angel-Sherubii-xX Featured By Owner May 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
this is a wonderful poem :XD:

oooh questions :?

1. yes :)
2. Yes very well done :XD:
3. They are quite captivating
4. Not that I see. :clap:

good job :hug:
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Great! Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate it :hug:
Reply
:iconxx-angel-sherubii-xx:
Xx-Angel-Sherubii-xX Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome :boing:
Reply
:icongraphix-goddess:
Graphix-Goddess Featured By Owner May 18, 2013  Professional Writer
I think your style reads well as a type or poetry in general. There is such a thing as "Freeverse" poetry - and I think you are on your way to being quite a master of it. I used to write only in rhymes when doing poems, but I later learned that there is a great depth of emotion to be conveyed in writing freeverse. I applaude you on yours as well. :clap:.

I think this is a very powerful and moving piece - well written and flows well overall. I really like how you bolded "no" for emphasis, too. The only part I think feels less flowy than the rest is:

Heaven is going nowhere, it can wait a while longer
Not while there is desire for some sort of justice.


I got caught up a little there in the flow.... other than that, the rest is very nice and dramatic - moving. I really LOVE your style of writing. it feels much like my own even at times in a way and I appreciate someone with such powerful views and voice.
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, free verse really helps a lot with making things less restrictive. I used to be able to rhyme better when I was younger, but now I can only manage one or two rhyming lines. Free verse really is my favourite style of poetry.

Ah...I did quite a few edits before this one but I suppose that line could be improved a bit. Now that I read it, I feel like it could benefit from being shortened somewhat. I'll look into that.

:blushes:

Oh, wow. You really think that I'm that good?
:happycry:
Reply
:icongraphix-goddess:
Graphix-Goddess Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Professional Writer
I once heard another author say that all art is incomplete and it will always be. We never finish it, we just have to let go of it...

So, sometimes we just have to let it go.

And yes, I think you are a wonderful writer with a promising future with the craft. I don't meet a lot of writers with artistic vision similar to mine so I do find a special interest in your works. :D
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I guess you and your author acquaintance are right.

"I think you are a wonderful writer with a promising future with the craft. I don't meet a lot of writers with artistic vision similar to mine so I do find a special interest in your works"

That means so much to me. Thank you :thanks:
Reply
:icongraphix-goddess:
Graphix-Goddess Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Professional Writer
You are very welcome! I appreciate your writing and insight very much as well and I know how daunting a writers own mind can sometimes be. :)
Reply
:iconpascal-prevost:
pascal-prevost Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013
Très beau et très émouvant
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Merci, ça me fait plaisir, vraiment!
Reply
:iconpascal-prevost:
pascal-prevost Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2013
:)
Reply
:icongentlepeace:
GentlePeace Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's organized well and flows well also.
And I like the last line, punches you, doesn't it?
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! :)
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012   Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:
Critique on:
Defiance

I saw the steps of grief very easily while reading this piece.
I like the idea very much and you almost have the execution of it right.

1) For the reason above, I'd say the stanzas are organized well.

2) Yes. Even the title shows the end state most people have left, particulary if discussing war.

3) I would take the "A" off of "Awoken..." for rhythm's sake as well as informality. "Woken" works.
3a) At no other place in this piece do I see a word like it. Do you?

4) There's a verb tense change between the first line and those that follow. Why?

5) I prefer a word (like "No") either in bold or in italics, but not both.
5a) I think bold alone suits here. Do you?

Generalities:
Everything I wrote is my opinion and to be considered as such. There's no way I want to rewrite your work for you. This is an interesting way to explore those steps grief takes in the minds of everyone I've met who've dealt with it. I don't know if it's exactly a poem or prosetry, but if I recall correctly, there's no "prosetry" category to select.

I call it that because it reads like a cross between prose and poetry. What do you think?
In some places you use punctuation and not in others - the choice regarding where seems a bit arbitrary. Have you read it aloud a few times to see where and how long you really pause? That often helps. You might think twice about your end line, too--even though it arrived first as the catalyst. Do you think it's really needed, to spell things out so much for readers?
All in all, a good piece about grief and what it does to family and friends. Thank you. A fav.
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
1) + 2) Oh, good.

3) All right, I suppose that works too

3a) A word like awoken, you mean? :?

4)Uh...sorry, could you point that out? I'm not sure I noticed.

5) I wondered about italics, except it seems to make the words smaller

5a) I guess it does. Somehow it seemed a little out of place at the time.

You know, you're the second person who said that, about my poem being half poetry and half prose. I've heard of a prose poem before but I'm not sure if this could be an example.

When I wrote this, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing. I didn't really think very hard about punctuation or grammar.

I just thought of the ending line and the words just came. Nothing more to it. I thought it would be an ideal final line, actually. Didn't think it was out of place, but I suppose I could reconsider it.

Thank you for taking the time to comment and :+fav:. It means a lot :heart:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012   Writer
3a) Yes, more formal words like "Awoken" instead of "Woken."

4) You wrote "It started with loss" (past tense) when the rest is in present tense.
You might consider "It starts with loss" instead.

The rest (in fact, the entire thing) is up to you.
What you do next (or not) is always up to you.

You're very welcome for both. :heart:
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
All right, thanks for the pointers. It really does help :heart:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012   Writer
^^; Good. :love:
Reply
:iconcolinsydney:
ColinSydney Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Student Photographer
The emotion is very evident in this piece. I get your pain in every line. but i do feel that there is no rhythm. it felt like i was reading a prose than a poem. Maybe stanzas could have been 3x3 and not 2x2. I feel this would have given the poem a lot more anguish. I felt anger, but no desperation.
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
By rhythm, do you mean metre or syllables?

Also, how did you not feel desperation at the beginning? Was it not written clearly?
Reply
:iconcolinsydney:
ColinSydney Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Student Photographer
one can not expect metre in a free verse. from rhythm, what i meant is a flow of words from line to line which connects it without making it sound like a prose and more like poem.
the poem was more like a statement. the lines were an explanation of despair without invoking it. there are a few lines which does not fall into my characterization like " But the body hesitates and the mind awakens from its slumber
Awoken by a single word". here i felt the urgency and rhythm.
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
OK, so from what I understand:

1. It would work better if I made 3 lines per stanza, with each stanza representing loss, grief, etc.

2. Give more writing to convey the feelings of grief

Right?
Reply
:iconcolinsydney:
ColinSydney Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012  Student Photographer
3 lines was only an observation for this poem.
and yes. write more to convey grief. let it flow out of you into paper like an uncontrollable urge.
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
All right, I'll see about that. Thanks for your input!
Reply
:icondrashion:
Drashion Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2012  Student Filmographer
It's straight yet it takes you slowly trough its words. Very good, mate!
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:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much. That means a lot :)
Reply
:iconlathana:
Lathana Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Reading that gave me the shivers (the good kind). Very powerful.
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
;_;

That is just about the best compliment I can get for this poem! I'm really happy you feel that way :thanks:
Reply
:iconlathana:
Lathana Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm glad ^_^
Reply
:iconxx-angel-sherubii-xx:
Xx-Angel-Sherubii-xX Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
this is quite nice. :clap:
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :meow:
Reply
:iconxx-angel-sherubii-xx:
Xx-Angel-Sherubii-xX Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome :aww:
Reply
:icondyphos:
dyphos Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
That's beautiful! Makes me want to write a story... :happybounce:
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:love: Thank you so much!! I appreciate that.
Reply
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